We’re live from sunny Miami, Florida! Hello and welcome to Super Bowl XLI between the Indianapolis Colts and Marshall’s Thundering Herd….uh, I mean, the Chicago Bears captained by the unflappable Rex GrossmanOk, enough funny business. The Super Bowl is such a big event; you have to write about it at least twice. Ask any professional writer and they’ll tell you the same thing. Not that I would know. No one is paying me even a dime to do all of this, but when I thought about doing a running diary, not even an army of Brian Urlachers could have stopped me from grabbing my pen, pad and a Captain and Diet, who, incidentally is this diary’s sponsor! Uh, Captain Morgan, not Brian Urlacher.
6:21 The Chicago Bears have won the toss and have elected to receive. Phil Simms comments on how it is advantageous for the team that has never been to the big one to play defense first. This would have been a more useful insight if one of the teams playing tonight had been to the Super Bowl any time within the last 20 years. Thanks Phil. Looking forward to your contribution tonight.
6:27 And the kickoff…Holy Shit! Devin Hester really just ran back the opening kickoff!!! Super Bowl XLI is on! And all of this comes after Phil Simms’ little diatribe. Now not only is Indy not going to play defense first. Their offense starts in a seven point hole. Let’s see how this pans out.
6:32 This crowd is overly loud in favor of the Bears. Chicago must’ve gotten a group rate on the hotels this week. And we have just witnessed the 2nd near pick of Peyton in two plays.
6:34 Interception!!! Charles Harris! Chicago ball. And the Peyton Manning face makes it’s Super Bowl debut! (for those who don’t know about the Peyton Manning face, please refer to espn.com’s page 2 staple Bill Simmons for an explanation)
6:35 Ok, first real commercial of the Super Bowl. Bud Light’s ‘Paper, Rock, Scissors’ ad. Not bad. Kind of like losing your virginity, entertaining, interesting, but over too quickly to really know what to think.
6:38 Ball bounces off an Indy cornerback’s head. Dang!
6:39 Sierra Mist free officially declares war on Sprite with the beard comb-over, daisy-duke cutoff shorts, roller blade trifecta!!! Oh my god. The bar has been set, Bud Light!
6:43 Rain is coming down harder in Miami. This favors the Colts because even though they are a finesse team, the Bears are sloppier than Tara Reid after a night out in Mallorca. Anything beyond perfect playing conditions is just going to push them over the edge.
6:46 Manning to an encumbered Reggie Wayne, Touchdown!!! Peyton doesn’t even pump a fist. He either just threw up in his mouth a little, or he is focused. Either way, Indy is rejoicing.
6:47 Smith bobbles the snap for Vinatieri, 7-6 Chicago! Mistakes are mounting quickly.
6:49 Bud Light’s 2nd attempt: Wedding Auctioneer ad. Brilliant! Man-centric advertising for beer? Who would’ve thought it could work?
6:50 Hagler(?) fumbles the kickoff! Indy recovers!!! Special teams are the story of the first quarter!
6:51 Fumble! Bears Recover!!! Amend previous statement to reflect turnovers are story of the first quarter.
6:52 T. Jones goes 52 yards down to the Indy 7! Wow. Thank god A. I’m drinking and B. My team isn’t playing like this.
6:54 Touchdown! Moose Muhammad!!! Nice grab over the helmets of the Indy defenders. But I guess you can do that when you’re 6’ 30”.
6:56 Snickers turns in the homophobic plank in its campaign. Funny, but stomach turning. More stomach turning than funny. Ripping out chest hair is manly? No, ripping out chest hair is stupid. Not putting your lips on the same candy bar another dude has his lips on is manly.
6:59 Touchdown! Bud Light!!! Carlos Mencia’s “No Speak English” ad is the commercial of the evening and it’s not even the second quarter!
7:01 Indy punt. Seems like it would just be smarter to roll the ball out of bounds than to send it to Devin Hester again.
7:04 Chicago fumbles! Indy recovers!!! 4 turnovers in the first quarter alone. I hope this is what the “I just want a good game” crowd had in mind.
7:08 Chicago whistled for encroachment. I haven’t seen such a blatant neutral zone infraction since New York assaulted Krazy at the hot tub during the family visit episode of Flava of Love 2.
7:11 Cedric walks off the field under his own power after being down for a few minutes. U.S. Geological Survey reports compression wave formed by Chicago-ans breathing a collective sigh of relief.
7:14 Nantz and Simms spend a brief minute talking shit about the cast of Rules of Engagement (“If that show were a hit already, they’d be in a suite!”). Nantz and Simms spend the next two minutes backpedaling and sharing happy memories about watching games from the stands after realizing that they work for the same network the show appears on. Good stuff!
7:22 Vinatieri FG. Good. He could be reading an newspaper and kicking at the same time and it would still be good. Networks are losing valuable ad time by not cutting to commercial when he’s up to bat.
7:26 Indy kickoff and Hester is mysteriously not on the return team. Possible sub-plot brewing here. Nantz notes that Hester is standing on the sidelines and looks fine.
7:30 So, the target audience of mostly naked white guys washing a Chevy at an intersection is supposed to be? Gay men or black women? Becoming increasingly disgruntled with the quality of the commercials this year.
7:34 Indy Touchdown! Dungy decides to go for one; good decision. Still plenty of football left to play. READER’S NOTE: It is at this point that I start to become kind of drunk. If the quality or detail of the running record starts to slip from here, I apologize. Blame the Captain.
7:36 Bud Light is up again. Slapping another man’s face is the new fist bump. I like it! I’m not trying it out at work though. If not for Mencia’s ad, this would definitely be the frontrunner so far. Amazing sound effects!
7:44 Can the Colt’s really get away with running cheap isolation routes all evening? I mean, they’ve been doing this all season. This had to show up on Chicago’s game film at some point, right? Surely Lovie Smith didn’t make the mistake of saying, “Oh, since they do that all the time, they’re not going to do it in the Super Bowl!” did he?
7:46 After a brief discussion among the house-mates, it looks like we’re going to see “Wild Hogs” despite its high (HIGH) likelihood of failure. It could just be crazy enough to work…I guess.
7:47 Two minutes remain in the 1st half and neither side has yet to use a time-out. Fear of fumbling?
7:49 Fear of fumbling should have struck sooner! Indy fumble, Bears recover! That’s a 3-2 turnover margin in Chicago’s favor.
7:50 Grossman fumbles! Indy recovers!!! We are now living in a world where the conference champions in the national football league combine for six fumbles in thirty minutes of play. Turnover balance restored to zero. Belichik watching the game from somewhere in New England shoots an assistant without a single emotion.
7:52 This game so far feels like it’s being played absent any real direction from the sidelines. Like Tony and Lovie pulled a Ty Webb and told their teams, “Ok, let’s think about our game plan”, stared into the air silently for several moments before asking, “Got it?”
7:56 Vinatieri comes out for a FG try. CBS wisely cuts to a com…wait. What’s this? They’re going to show the FG? Oh, how old school. Ok, I’ll play along. The snap…the kick…it’s go-huh!?!? He missed??? Scientists immediately rush the field and power down Vinatieri before carting him off the field to work on any damaged circuits before the 2nd half begins.
HALFTIME, YOU SEXY MOTHERFUCKER!
To be completely truthful, I never really followed Prince all that much. I knew his hits. I could hum out the melodies, even though I never really knew all of the words nor put any effort into learning them. I always thought he was on that strange plane of entertainers, the one inhabited by David Bowie and Annie Lennox and Frank Zappa before them. They were unarguably cool, but exactly why was never going to be nailed down. Prince was their contemporary mostly because he was sexy as hell(?), but he also made some pretty kick-ass records. Despite all of this, I questioned his performing at the Super Bowl. The fact of the matter is that Prince enjoys his place in American Pop music largely due to the fact that American women and gay American men view him as irrepressibly sexy. Most straight American men do not share this belief. It should be noted that the vast majority of the NFL audience consists of straight American men. Therefore, Prince would not be playing to his audience by playing the Super Bowl, and the audience at the Super Bowl would rather watch someone else. The only reason that having Prince perform made any sort of sense to me was that the Super Bowl is a once a year, larger than life event. It needs a larger than life performer to reinforce that image in the minds of its viewers. So how did these two diametrically opposed points play out? Well, after watching the Halftime Show – something I rarely do – I have no doubt in my mind that Prince absolutely should have played the Super Bowl. Not only should he have played, Prince deserves every accolade ever heaped upon him. Let’s break it down:
1. Musicianship – Prince is a very good guitar player, an evaluation only taken to new heights by the fact that he was performing in a downpour playing what looked like an octopus. He can play sharp rhythms; he can smoke as a soloist. He is quite simply awesome.
2. Stage Presence – Are you fucking kidding me? He’s Prince. He is larger than life, irresistible to women, and his legend grows daily. You’re telling me he’s NOT going to absolutely own a stage being viewed by approximately 1/7th of the population of Earth? There were probably a dozen dancers, several musicians, and any number of stagehands in the sightline and still while watching it Prince seemed like he was the only one up there. That is stage presence.
3. Act – Prince performing in the rain (especially poignant for ‘Purple Rain’ which just about brought the house down), with a dozen dancers, a marching band which was just a stroke of genius and blended very well with the performance, and a phallic-shaped guitar played behind an illuminated sheet that ultimately cast an even more phallic shadow. Oh, and did I mention he played ‘Purple Rain’ to close it out? This would’ve have been a great show anywhere.
8:30 Ok, enough of this pageantry bullshit, let’s play some football!
8:33 Indy receives the kickoff without incident. On the ensuing series, Indy continues to run that same little dump play they’ve been using all season. They are winning the war on paper so far. This game has been way to sloppy to concede any sort of victory however
8:38 Tony challenges the number of Bears on the field. This challenge reeks of desperation. I can’t see Belichik throwing this flag under nearly any circumstance. Predictably, he loses.
8:39 Not a terrible drive results in a Vinatieri FG. Scientists seen high-fiving on the sidelines.
8:42 Can Devin Hester run one back in heavy rain? Negative. Vinatieri kicks one to the middle of the receiving unit.
8:46 Rain + Good Pass Rush = SACK!
8:47 Rain + Rex Grossman playing quarterback = FUMBLEAYAH!!! Grossman recovers just in time to be sacked!
8:54 Following a decent Indy punt return and series of long-ish plays, Indy is back in FG range. Time to take the new, improved, water-resistant Vinatieri for a spin.
8:55 Following a scary flag moment for Indy, Vinatieri FG good!
8:56 GOULET!!! A handful of Emerald Nuts a day keeps Robert Goulet away. Like you’d want to.
8:59 Well said, Mr. Turkeyneck. Thank you FedEx for taking one of my family’s favorite phrases global.
9:00 Long awaited K-Fed ad did not disappoint, though I wish we hadn’t known it was coming. Because of all the press, it was kind of like finally getting to sleep with Britney and finding it not as satisfying because you knew it was coming and everyone else had already seen or heard about it. I mean, you still shag her rotten, but you know what I’m getting at.
9:04 Gould hits a slight fade, followed by a chili-dipper, followed by a slight draw and makes the FG by about 5 feet above the crossbar. Bear in mind this is the same kicker that had not one but two field goals taken out of play by the hand of God. I wish all field goals were this adventurous.
9:06 Dallas Clark makes an unbelievable grab out of bounds. I don’t think the Colts’ receivers actually care whether or not they’re in or out. They just want to make amazing catches. Those are the guys you want playing for you.
9:10 Marvin Harrison will go to the Hall of Fame. Another amazing catch from a receiving corps that prides themselves on making amazing catches.
9:11 Why waste any time/money/energy advertising the Masters’ now? This event sells itself out every single year. That was a wasted opportunity to make a quick $250k.
9:19 Max Hedrom should announce any replay in Super Vision Voice (SOOOOOPEERRRR VISSSSSIOOONNN!)
9:21 Grossman relies on years of training and professional experience and heaves one downfield into a group of defenders. PICK! Hayden run-back for a Touchdown!!! This game is essentially over. Peyton is starting to breathe. Further review confirms that Peyton, is in fact, breathing.
9:30 Grossman throws up another egg. Sanders on the inevitable PICK!!! Game really over now.
9:34 Peyton makes improbable return to the field. Forget that. Get Jim Sorgi in there and have him just hand the ball off to Jeff Saturday over and over again.
9:35 Flomax should be changed to Lespissn. Thanks, Dad!
9:39ish and this is where I stopped the diary for a variety of reasons. One, the remainder of the game/post-game was going to be just too predictable to make interesting reading later. Dungy was getting the Gatorade bath, Tony and Lovie were going to spend a little too much time well-wishing at midfield. Peyton was going to win the MVP. Someone on the Bears was going to be quoted as saying that they’d be back next year. Someone on the Colts would decline to comment on next year claiming that they’d really just like to enjoy the moment. And not least of all. I was pretty drunk and needed to get moving if I was going to make the post- Super Bowl party at my buddy’s house. Hey, as dedicated as I am to the craft, I’m not missing the last of what was sure to be an incredible flank steak. Well, until next year…Happy off season and I’ll see you in April for Opening Day with the Red Sox!!!
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